Strong Opinion On Completely Trivial Thing That I Am Unlikely To Change And Could Actually See Myself Doubling Down On If Challenged

“Baby On Board” Bumper Stickers Are The Enemy Of The American People

Here’s a thought experiment: how many drivers in the U.S. have seen a “Baby on Board” bumper sticker and have concluded “I am no longer going to crash into that car today, I will choose another vehicle with which to collide"?

These silly stickers are only good for one thing: stirring five to seven seconds of moderate frustration in drivers like myself who realize they have just been involuntarily thrust into a passive-aggressive lecture on their intent and driving skills.

And bad news: when I’m brewing on how much I hate dumb bumper stickers, it is unlikely that I’m paying much attention to the road. The Stewbaru weighs about two metric tons and neither of us want it in the hands of a distracted, moderately annoyed person.

We must shed our collective delusion and acknowledge that “Baby on Board” stickers do nothing but incur the disdain of every driver like myself capable of forming opinions on such trivial things.

Wake up, sheeples; we have enough babies on board. What do you say we make a little room for some critical thinking?

A Supremely Wild Fact About Alligators That Seems Worth Sharing

Alligators don’t fuck around. They have enormous jaws capable of pulverizing anything in their path. They have thick skin and bony plates that can stop (small) bullets. 37 million years of evolution have produced the animal equivalent of an Abrams tank.

And it turns out that alligators are even more hardcore than that. Apparently alligators can survive for months trapped in ice by freezing their snout just above the surface and using it as a snorkel. As a lake begins to freeze, alligators position their noses just above the surface while the ice envelopes the rest of their head. They enter a hibernation-like state and wake back up when the ice thaws.

As somebody who has felt that death was only moments away upon leaving home without a jacket in sub-50 degree fall weather, I felt compelled to give these gators a tip of the hat - or should I say, beanie?*

* Really sorry about this.

Pictured (Top): A member of a 37-million-year-old reptile species merges with ice and endures a months-long deep freeze during a harsh winter. (Bottom) The crown of creation fights over a blanket to survive a chilly afternoon.

Pictured (Top): A member of a 37-million-year-old reptile species merges with ice and endures a months-long deep freeze during a harsh winter. (Bottom) The crown of creation fights over a blanket to survive a chilly afternoon.